Monday, April 29, 2013

Keep Calm and Eat Donuts...

What a weird, whacky season this has been.  
I'm sorry - it's just been a ... messy .... season.
Finding moments of joy in a season of sorrow.  
Wanting to GIVE joy and comfort when my storehouse of joy and comfort feels dry.
Loving the gentleness of Jesus at the same time as having (what feels like) an open wound on my heart.

When my dad died a few months ago, I gained 20 pounds.  They weren't fun moments of comfort food pounds.  They were middle-age, stress-reaction, not-really-eating,  bummed-from-watching-my dad in pain pounds.

I have evidently proudly embraced those pounds through the passing of my mom a couple of weeks ago.  This time I figured I'd add a few donuts to my moments so there would be a fun reason to look like I did when I was pregnant 30 years ago!

I think a donut is better to eat than a piece of cake - it has a big hole in the middle of it, for goodness sake.  It's almost a diet food.  Logically, eating donut holes are almost like eating - well - nothing.  Logically - not calorically.  

My friend Stan loves donuts.  My friend Stan loves Jesus.  My friend Stan is loving people in another country so that they will see the love of Jesus.  My friend Stan has cancer.  I am praying that the desire of Stan's heart will be answered in a strong and powerful way.  I will continue to pray for miracles in, through and around Stan's life.  I have not and will not eat a donut from Stan's favorite donut place in GP until the Lord chooses to call him Home.  I don't love donuts as much as Stan, but I love Stan (and Ann and Elle and Stanley) and somehow, our past laughter over donuts makes me smile.  

The time spent with our kids and grandkids pour comfort over my heart.  I went to Blue Star Donut (in Portland) with my fam and saw this on their wall.  Fun.  

I am aware that this blog entry is not exactly deep.  But honestly, I've never known anyone who had both parents die in the span of eight months.  The pain I have watched has done a number on my heart and I'm not sure how to navigate this season of grief.  I know better than to deny it.  I LOVE that my parents are with Jesus and each other and are happy and FREE.  But, I'm still here.  There's some grief work to do.  

I will worship.
I will lean on Jesus.
I will grieve with hope.
And, evidently, I will do that outloud.  
(Without donuts for awhile!)

Thank you to EVERY ONE of you who has loved me and walked with me through these difficult, exhausting, messy yet triumphant days.  Thank you for letting the pastor's wife be a regular woman, a daughter, a friend in your life and in your prayers.  Thank you.